Every year my birthday parties seem to get progressively more awesome.
At least... from what I remember.
There have only been a few times that I have gotten drunk enough to actually be sick. Four total. Of those, two were at birthday parties for me.
For my last birthday party, I wanted to go to Vegas. But not everyone I wanted to be there could get the time off, or afford the tickets, or whatever. So I did a Vegas themed party instead.
Gambling, tits, and clubbing. In style.
I rented an Elvis costume, including wig, and bought gold Elvis sunglasses for everyone, rented a limo for the night, and got everyone to bring alcohol for the limo ride.
Another brilliant plan. And, besides my shenanigans, the night was a phenomenal success.
And, the shenanigans started early.
Actually, I probably had the most fun out of anyone.
We started with shots at the hotel, and drove ourselves to the casino. I pulled out $800. Cousin's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Give me that, there's no way drunk you is carrying almost a grand."
See? She's awesome.
I started drinking doubles, and we played blackjack until the limo showed up. I used my winnings to pay for my drink tab. Even drunk me can half-ass count cards. I remember one hand where I split double aces, got another ace, and split again. Three 'blackjacks' on one hand. I yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!!!", and everyone within earshot cheered. I smiled. It was going to be a good night.
We all hopped in the limo with the bottles of alcohol we'd brought, and headed to the strippers.
Shots, shots, shots! I don't even remember what they were. I was already at the point where everything starts tasting like water.
We spent a blurry hour at the strippers. The limo stayed outside the whole time, and any time we were like: "SHOTS!", we all went outside and did another round from our own supply.
Getting into the limo, I tripped on my Elvis cape and fell square on my face. I bounced off the seat and rebounded like a ninja back into the seated position.
I vaguely remember doing more shots.
And getting into the club.
Then, I don't remember anything until waking up the next day in my hotel room.
As my eyes started to regain focus, I saw my buddy and his girlfriend in the other bed across from me.
"What... the fuck happened? Why am I in my bathing suit? And, why does this trash can have piss in it?"
"Yah, the sound of that woke me up," he said. "You had your dick out, pissing off the edge of the bed. But, in order to aim right, you had to arch your back, and your face was pressed against the headboard."
"Jesus. Looks like I didn't miss at all! Drunk me is an impressive me. Uh, what about the bathing suit?"
"Well, after you took off the Elvis jumpsuit because of the puke, you were fully naked. You sat in the shower for about two hours, and then your bathing suit was what you wanted to wear. I had to help you put it on."
"Holy shit, I puked?"
"About 30 seconds after you downed the chicken nuggets on the way back to the hotel. You were in the back seat, and you just rolled the window down and started projectile vomiting. Not far enough, though - you got it all over the side of the car. Cousin was pissed, because she was the one who had to clean it off."
"WE GOT FOOD???"
He continued to fill me in on some of the details of the night, and showed me some pictures from his phone.
Shit. Show.
I discovered I had been a little roughed up by the bouncers, stomped on my Elvis wig because it was making me sweat, hit on women by saying things like, "It's my birthday. I'm Elvis," and successfully made out with/got phone numbers from/took home exactly zero women. Apparently without the wig or sunglasses, combined with my shaved head, made my costume look more like I was a giant baby in footie pajamas, instead of Elvis in a onsie.
I haven't had birthday sex in about 5 years. This is why.
Very drunk me, though very funny, has no game. One time I walked into a 24 hour store wasted and started talking to a life-sized cardboard cutout, because it had a picture of a hot blonde on it.
I thought it went well, even though she didn't give me her number.
At least drunk me isn't afraid to talk to strangers.
