Blessed infidelity

The story is the same every time.

Not that I'm complaining.

Married women. Who are more sexually inclined or have a stronger libido or whatever than their stupid fucking retards of husbands that don't put out.

How does that even happen?

There's medication for these things.

Like take a fucking percocet, some red bull, and a viagra and cheer the fuck up. And then bang your wife.

Whatever.

I'd met one such neglected wife through a friend, and even though I had no original intentions to do anything with her, it became obvious that she was severely interested in me.

I didn't act on it. I had never taken a married woman home before. And, I don't want to get the reputation of the sleazy guy who bangs everyone's wife.

But, I saw her again a couple times.

And the more I thought about it, the more I rationalized it. Her cheating on her husband had nothing to do with me. That was between her and her husband. Makes sense.

Still makes sense to me, now. I don't seek out married women, but if I take one home, I don't beat myself up about it.

I was having another one of those nights, like in the last entry about the rooftop club. I was on a roll. And I had been texting a few girls throughout night. NeglectedWife was one of them.

I had specifically asked one of my hotter wing woman friends to hit the clubs with me that night because I was in a bit of a rut and I knew she would kick my ass into gear if I wasn't making out with girls all over the damn bar.

She's the kind of woman that improves your social status just because she's talking to you. Sexy, and hot as fuck.

I had a girl come up to me and say, "Oh my god, I think your friend is so hot."

I said, "You should make out with her. She'd love that."

Makeout commence.

I laughed.

The guy who was following her around like her puppy dog, trying to get her attention, looked at me with that look of disbelief I've seen so many times.

I smiled at him and said, "Get used to it buddy. I can do this shit all night."

Then grabbed some hot face that I had seen from the corner of my eye and brought it within a few inches of mine. I asked her name. Who cares. Then made out with her.

She grabbed me around the shoulders and started creaming her panties.

By the time I stopped kissing her, my wing woman was back. She asked me what my new friend's name was. I said I had no idea, but that I kind of wanted to see her naked.

She orgasmed standing up.

I grabbed her hand and took her to the dance floor.

Wash. Repeat.

WingWoman high fived me every time I found her in the crowd again. "Holy shit, dude! You are on FIRE tonight!"

I checked my text messages.

NeglectedWife had texted asking where I was because she wanted to come meet me out.

When she showed up, I made a comment about how tight her dress was. "I'm surprised I can't see your panty line."

She put her hands in my back pockets and said, "That's because I'm not wearing any."

Uh. Win.

We had a few drinks and were having an awesome time when she got all serious for a second.

"I don't know where this is going. But I want you to know that if something happens, my husband will never know about it."

"Well then, I'm going outside to grab a cab. Then I'm taking you to my place to bang the shit out of you."

"I'll go grab my stuff," she said. "Meet me outside."

Yup.

Things are going my way

Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just works? Where you're in an awesome mood, and everyone you talk to just does what you say? Even if you say, "Make out with me, put your hand down my pants"?

I have. Doesn't happen all the time, but when the stars align, and I haven't had so much alcohol all I can think about is standing up straight, it happens.

And it's magical.

Like watching unicorns in slow motion (thank you mushrooms), winning a 'das boot' chugging contest, or finding the singular picture of Taylor Swift topless.

Yah, it's her

Two nights in particular stand out in my mind.

1) I can remember them.
2) They were awesome.
3) One of them ended well.

The first was last summer. I had heard about a new bar in town and wanted to check it out, so I invited a few friends to meet me there.

It was an outdoor bar on the roof of a downtown building. The crowd was incredibly sexy, and we got there just at that perfect time - you know, right before the huge line, but not so early the place is empty.

When I started gaming (every girl there), everything just went right. I was literally collecting groups of women, and making them compete with each other.

I'd go back and sit with my friends, and there would be two groups right behind me. It was hilarious to watch them try to out-qualify each other as to why they should be the ones to join me at the booth.

But, as soon as it looked like one group was getting close to a win, I'd wander off and leave them there.

And go get some more.

At one point, my buddy Agent said, "Dude, you need to stop adding, and start subtracting. Figure out which ones you're taking home tonight."

I switched up my game and started narrowing down the prospects.

When I picked one, I told Agent and his girlfriend to come dance with us.

There we are, grinding on the dance floor, and Agent looks down at the girl I'm with, then at his girlfriend, then at me and yells, "Manual SCISSOR!"

So we each grabbed a leg of the girl we were with and pushed the girls together crotch first.

Yep.

Manual scissor on the dance floor.

I'm pretty sure their labia actually touched. Neither of them were wearing much.

Nothing like mashing some clits together under the summer moonlight.

When we went back to the booth, we had to shoo away other girls that were waiting for my return.

Agent farted in one of their faces because she had sat down, and was not willing to get up until I talked to her.

She went away.

I looked at Agent and said, "Meet me downstairs in a few minutes. I have to take a giant bar duece. Don't leave..." I said, pointing at the girl I'd picked, "without her."

I saw understanding on his face.

No, this isn't another shit story. My bar shit went surprisingly well. And then I went down to the entrance to wait for everyone. So I waited.

And waited.

I sat with a couple of girls that were near the stairs so I could see my friends coming. Made out with both of them, and judged them on their kissing talent. They compared notes, and then I made out with them again.

And I still waited.

Until the bar was closing down, I waited at the stairs making out with more hot women.

It was awful. I hate waiting.

Finally, they all showed up as the lights were coming on.

Except, the girl who I was taking home was no longer able to walk. Agent, in all his wisdom, decided to do shots with her until I returned. Apparently unaware that I was not returning. She was tripping on her shoes, falling over every few steps, and basically being carried by Agent.

And I don't mean 'oops, I'm tipsy' falling over. Like, falling on her face falling over. Her elbows were a mess.

I looked at Agent. "Well, I can't fuck her NOW. What the hell did you do to her?"

She apologized for being so drunk and fell over.

Agent grabbed her top and pulled it down to her navel. "BOOBIES!" She laughed and pulled the fabric back over her nipples.

And fell over.

I didn't even crack a smile. Or help her up.

All I was thinking was, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK."

Yah. No pussy for me, even after an awesome night like that.

It was like watching 'The Sixth Sense' or all six seasons of 'LOST'. It all seemed to be going so well, and then... WHAT THE FUCK?

The second night I remember was the first time I slept with a married woman.

But that's another story...

Accidentally more awesome

My brother is a pretty solid guy.

Well, he is now... most of the time.

Every once in a while when he's my wingman he still brings up the shitty things I used to do to him when he was a kid. Like the time I broke his collarbone delivering newspapers and made him walk home. Or the time he was following me up stairs and I kicked him in the face. Or the time I threw a ball of ice at his head and knocked him unconscious.

Things I probably would have been more/remotely apologetic about if it had not taken him until the age of fourteen to grow a functioning brain.

By the time he was done high school, we actually got along really well. We didn't go on windy walks and hold hands, but we did go to college parties together and destroy campus apartments.

He got himself signed on to leave the country for a couple of years, and I decided to throw him a going away party. And since it was close to his birthday, we made it a combined party.

One of the best house parties I've ever thrown.

There was a disco ball and a dance floor. Enough food to feed an army. Black lights. Video projection. Club music, which I had pre-DJ'd. A fully stocked bar. And, of course, me.

I invited everyone.

People I'd never met before showed up.

Including one particularly cute Japanese girl. Who had apparently never had beef on a bun before - she nearly ate the whole pot. Anyway, we'll call her Mimi.

There's a small back story about her, though.

A few weeks earlier, I had started hanging out with a girl who had just recently returned from Japan. She was there as an English teacher, and had invited one of the friends she met there to come visit her.

It wasn't until the going away party that I found out what she had actually been doing in Japan, and how she met Mimi in the first place. And, it wasn't because she was teaching English.

Mimi spoke maybe a dozen words of English. But the first four I heard her say warmed my cockles.

In the worst Japanese broken English I've ever heard, she asked, "I strip for you?"

Holy fuck. What?

It took me exactly one point six seconds to get over the shock and reply, "Yes, he would love that."

My friend had to explain to me that she was, in fact, a stripper from Japan. And, when she had been told that it was my brother's birthday, Mimi decided she wanted to give him a gift he would remember.

I was handed a CD.

She apparently had a soundtrack, and had brought it with her to the party. It literally said, "Strip sound track."

I was also immediately no longer interested in Mimi's friend.

Mimi changed into her outfit, my brother was blind folded, and I turned on the music.

She came out in what I can only describe as a neon orange chain link fence - like the kind you see at a construction site, only made of nylon and incredibly sexier -  and a g-string.

Her nipples were sticking through two of the holes, and you could clearly see down almost to her clit.

She pulled the blindfold off of my brother's smiling face, and the smile grew.

"Best. Birthday. Ever," he said.

I took pictures.

You know, for posterity. Or blackmail.

And then I asked Mimi on a date. To which, she nodded enthusiastically. At least, she nodded enthusiastically to whatever had been translated to her by... whatever-her-name-was.

I kind of wish she had stayed a little longer. Seeing a girl who doesn't talk is just about as perfect as it can get. Especially one that enjoys 'wolking' for me for free.

Party rockin the all ages crowd

Is it just me, or do girls start looking hot a lot younger than they used to?

My buddy Ruben and I were on a road trip one time, and we stopped for gas. There was this absolutely stunning girl walking to her car as we pulled up.

Ruben was like, "Holy crap, that chic is super hot... Jesus, she's like 15. Wow, I'm such a creeper."

Thing is, if she didn't have such a baby face, she could have totally been 20. I honestly wanted to introduce myself and say, "Seriously, the day you turn 18, call me. I will wreck you."

We must be adding more hormones or [insert other conspiracy shit] to our water supply.

Whatever it is, I've learned that if I'm not at a bar, I absolutely must ask for proof of age.

For me, going to a concert is an adult activity. I drink, I finger girls I grind with, and I always make out with at least one girl.

It's like going to the bar. Only, easier, because you don't have to talk.

At all.

I didn't realize that the shows I might go to might also be all ages shows until I went to an LMFAO concert dressed up as Red Foo.

I was the only guy there in costume, and it was seriously convincing. I had a couple people come up and ask for an autograph before they realized I wasn't actually him. I was barely ten feet in the door before I had people running up taking pictures with me.

It was epic.

So many times, I'd be getting a picture with a group of insanely hot girls, and I'd ask them how old they were.

Can you guess the average?

Thirteen.

Fucking THIRTEEN!

If Cousin wasn't there to reign me in a bit, I could have been in serious trouble with the law. I had one fifteen year old rubbing me through my animal print tights while her friend took pictures. I had to slap her hand away more than once.

And then I started drinking.

The night wasn't a complete bust. I did find a few girls over the age of consent to make out with.

Actually, one of them I only found because her boyfriend asked me to get pictures with her.

I picked her up and slammed her against a wall. She wrapped her legs around me and made out with me while her boyfriend took the pictures.

Ha.

Chump.