I've moved around a lot.
Building a new social circle over and over is a tiresome task, but I've gotten pretty good at it.
Back in the day, I relied on some unconventional methods. Like ICQ and MSN's random chat feature. You could ask it to find you someone in your city to chat with. More often miss than hit, but it was a good way back then to meet new people in your area.
Freshly moved into another new city, I had met a few people that way, and had actually gotten into a relationship. But, I was still looking to expand my social circle, so I continued to chat with random people.
There was one random girl I met online that seemed to be pretty cool. We made plans to meet up with each other at a bar with a few of our friends. A few of my college basketball buddies said they were down for a night out, and she said that a few of her girlfriends would meet us out. Sounds like a good way to do some networking, right?
Well, if it went down like that, it would have been.
And, before I get any further, I want to point out that she knew that I had a girlfriend. I told her that several times.
She manipulated the situation so that she could be alone with me. She told me that we would meet her friends out, but that they didn't have room for her in their car.
I drove up her block and saw a large pink fuzzy growth on the lawn of one of the houses. As I got closer I realized that it was, in fact, a person.
This must be 'playboybunny22'. It crossed my mind that she was likely unable to wear anything that could be purchased from the playboy store. Probably since the age of nine.
She looked like one of those women you see at Walmart shopping for jujubes in bulk.
Her body didn't have a defined shape. It was just lumpy. Folds and rolls everywhere. She had a solid black eyebrow. From one side of her head to the other, without a break. A unibrow like no other I'd ever seen. She had one of those backs that kind of just turns into legs. No indication of where her back ended and her ass began. And that thing where her neck was the same thickness as her head, so it looked like her face entered her chest and her cheeks ran all the way down to her shoulders. Her skin had deep holes in it from what must have been an epic battle with acne.
She was wearing large hoop earrings, and one of those pink fluffy sweaters that leaves little pieces everywhere.
I saw her approaching the car. She was waddling. She flashed a snaggle toothed grin at me.
I was in so much shock, I froze.
She got into my car.
I felt violated.
She told me that none of her friends were able to make it anymore. So it was just her and me.
I immediately changed plans. Instead of meeting up with the guys, I decided it would be better if we did something that involved her not being introduced to anyone I knew. Like chess club, or driving to the coast and throwing her off a cliff.
We went to a pool hall on the other end of town.
One of my buddies texted me. "What's the plan, dude?" I told him that I needed to be rescued, and he told me that he would be there as soon as he could.
It can be hard to find friends like that.
When he arrived, he saw playboybunny22 and froze. His eyes got wide and he looked at me. I saw fear.
I didn't want to spend another minute with her. As she took her turn at the pool table, my buddy and I discussed the plan. He was going to leave, saying that he wasn't feeling that well - which at this point was probably true, I think I heard him gag two or three times. Then, a few minutes after he was gone, he would call me pretending to be my brother and make up some kind of emergency.
He called and said that he had a flat tire and needed me to come help him fix it.
I tried to make the conversation sound genuine. I feigned disappointment, and said I was out. I even asked if he had already called anyone else. My buddy told me to stop being a shit head, "Keep it simple, idiot. If she figures it out, no one will ever find your body."
So, I told her that I had to drop her off so I could help my brother out.
She bought it.
The whole drive back I couldn't talk or make eye contact with her. I was scared she'd smell my fear and attack. My ears were ringing. My cheeks were burning.
We got to her place and I mumbled some sort of good bye. Before I knew what hit me, she was across the car, with her lips on my face.
I panicked. What was happening? I could feel her moustache on my skin, and there was a moment where I swear she tried to push her tongue into my very tightly closed mouth. I clearly remember not being able to breathe. It was like her face had wrapped itself around mine and entered my nostrils and mouth. Like something out of a horror movie, her face was trying to eat me.
I found the strength to push her off me, and told her to get out of the car.
It maybe lasted 2 seconds. Just long enough to know what the fuck was going on, and react.
She got out of my car.
I felt horrible, and disgusted. I had to tell my girlfriend about this. This was not okay. I tried to imagine a positive response to the news some lagoon creature had taken advantage of my face. Maybe she wouldn't be mad. Maybe she'd see it wasn't my fault. Somehow.
The next day, I told her the whole story. There was disbelief in her eyes. And I could see her holding back unkind words.
But, she said she believed me, and that it was okay. I could tell she was still upset about it, but she was mature enough to recognize that a story about being mouth raped was probably too crazy to be made up.
A couple months later, we were at the local pool together.
I saw playboybunny22, and slid down into the water all the way to my eyes, so only the top of my head was visible. My girlfriend looked at me like I was retarded and said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
I pointed.
She looked over and said, "Oh my god, is that her?"
I nodded my head slightly.
I thought the monster had looked bad fully clothed. She was at a pool now, wearing a bathing suit. The lumps and folds were hanging out. Not concealed. Just out there for everyone to see. The crease through her crotch completely hid her bathing suit. The fat completely swallowed the fabric and looked like a giant vagina.
My girlfriend slipped down into the water next to me and looked at me with wide eyes. "Woah."
It was a bonding moment.
