I think everyone goes through that 'phase' in their life.
The one where they try anything they can get their hands on.
Weed.
Cocaine.
VHS porn.
As a kid I was vehemently against drugs. And was about as criminally active as a nerdy white kid can get. So, I was the below average looking, above average GPA dumb-fuck, clapping at the anti-drug rallies, and that stupid anti-drunk driving event where they re-enacted a car crash with a beat up Chrysler and a dummy stuffed with newspaper and corn syrup.
I was like, "Yah! That IS what happens when you drink! Every time you drink! Even just ONE! No matter what!"
I'm not joking, my mom still thinks that.
Sincerely agreeing with the invariable point that drugs and alcohol will, in fact, destroy your life.
Never OUT LOUD, but you know... internally. Like a nerd.
And then I turned 13.
And I was like... FUCK IT! And went a little crazy, got a blow job from a 19 year old California girl, and nearly pulled my fucking dick clean off. And started thinking seriously about ripping my hot English teacher's shirt off. And realizing that EVERYONE around me was fucking and drinking and smoking and that I badly wanted to be part of it.
And still, 17 year old virgin THIS guy went to prom with the hottest college girl I've ever met, and didn't touch her all night. Like, not even on a hand on the small of her back.
Even when she was nearly naked in the pool with me.
Right?
And then the whole 'first-time-you-ever-have-sex-becomes-a-pregnancy-scare' thing fucked with me a little, and I took a short break, from the whole nymphomaniac thing - which entailed much crying and laying in the fetal position.
But then I actually started drinking and fucking and smoking, and doing all the things I'd wanted to do in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL, but had been either too indoctrinated or too sackless to try.
And then I went a little MORE crazy.
And I've been making up for lost time every since.
Last summer, my monthly budget for alcohol... nothing else - JUST alcohol... was over $4,000.
I spent a McDonald's employee's yearly wage on alcohol in a few months.
Or, like a bus driver's wage. Or, you know, one of those other shitty jobs.
It's amazing I can still pay my bills.
Or afford drugs.
Which, I have to say... aren't always that awesome.
Hate on me all you want. I just have to do a fucking cock load of them in order to make it fun, which usually turns out to be too much, and then the stranger I just stole a joint from gets angry because that was their 'medical' weed, and now their 'cancer' pains are back, and they're out of weed.
And I don't 'know how' to use 'air quotes' properly.
Whatever.
Also, just putting it out there, but what the FUCK is with some cocaine?
For a long time, I wanted to try it, and couldn't find any. You'd think it was around every street corner, the way it's so available in every fucking awesome movie I've ever seen.
And, now that I know where to find it, it's goddamn easy - but try to get your foot in the door. Seriously. Try.
I thought FOR SURE there would be easily accessible cocaine at an Armin Van Burin concert. But NOOOOOOO, I ended up getting so smashed that when I tried to lift a girl on my shoulders, I ended up face first in her shoes, and everyone I asked for drugs thought I was a cop doing a really shitty job being a narc.
There needs to be a 'how to' get cocaine while you're in Vegas that doesn't include a disclaimer to 'be careful not to look people in the eye, in that area of town, so as not to get shot.'
And then a FUCKING FOLLOW UP 'how to' regain feeling in your nostrils without looking like you have cerebral palsy.
The first time I tried it I had been drinking for about seventeen hours straight, at a rate of about a six-pack an hour, and had one of those constant burn alcohol buzz nights happening. It was awesome.
Until I did a line.
Let me describe to you what cocaine did to my body the first time I tried it:
First of all, my alcohol buzz was gone immediately. SEVENTEEN HOURS OF HARD WORK was gone in an instant. Snuffed out like the dreams of a gay man with AIDS.
Then, the whole booger thing starts to happen.
The sensation that there's a wet one just dangling on the inside of your nasal passage.
Wiping does not help this feeling go away. Neither does rocket blows/farmer shooters (violently blowing out one nostril while blocking the other with pressure or a tampon).
Neither does doing another line.
Immediately followed by the distinct feeling of blood rushing through your body at unhealthy speeds, and heart palpitations that you can hear like beating drums.
Then sweat.
And, I'll admit, I sweat more than average.
But this was ridiculous.
I sweat so much, I went through two shirts and a kitchen towel in about eleven minutes.
And they weren't like, 'I just worked out really hard' sweats. They were like, 'I'm hypoglycemic and am about to die' sweats.
After my hands stopped shaking, my whole body started to feel tingly. Like a limb that's 'waking up' from being asleep.
My buddies just laughed at me, and told me it was a normal reaction, especially for the first time using it.
It's not. They spiked it with something - they still won't tell me what. And I want to be clear about this: I have definitely never done coke again that was this bad.
I punched the table and stood up and said, 'Well, now that I'm totally sober, let's go out!'
And drove to the club, double fisting beer in the driver seat.
Where I enjoyed the company of a hot young black woman who I literally choked. And then took home, but didn't fuck.
To which I also drove.
It's gotten better since then.
Mostly because I don't trust those 'buddies' to get it for me anymore.
In fact, I don't even have to look for blow anymore, especially in Mexico - where people just come up to me and offer it. Apparently, I have that look.
