Bachelor and bachelorette parties are a weird beast.
I've been close friends with Cousin for such a long time that she asked me to be her 'Man of Honour', and plan her bridal shower, and bacherlorette. And then, of course, her fiance asked me to plan his bachelor party too, since it's become pretty clear that anything I plan is pretty much the best night of your life.
Cousin's bachelorette was fantastic. For me, especially, since one of the 'games' I came up with was literally 'take a picture with my phone' and 'winner' gets 'free booze'. 'Air quotes'.
Seriously.
Bachelorette party girls using my phone in the bathroom to get free shit.
I've never seen so many nipples.
And I've been to sex clubs.
For her fiancé, who I'll call 'Kylo', I decided to go with a 'modified consciousness' theme. We had mushroom tea, weed brownies, molly punch, and topless bartenders. I got kinky tape, which is like duct tape basically, but it only sticks to itself so it's easy to remove from skin. It's all the bartenders wore.
I got Kylo two 2 litre bottles of Bambino champagne and taped them to his hands. They didn't leave his hands all night.
Secretly, I got Cousin a room in the same hotel as the bachelor party, up on the top floor. Her and a few girlfriends had a night on the town while Kylo and all his friends got right fucked up in room 408.
At the end of the night, she was able to come pick him up, remove the empty champagne bottles, hold his hair while he vomited into the toilet, and listen to him tell the tales of stripper bartender lore. He was so happy and high he didn't stop smiling for a week.
I tried to drive home the next day, and had to pull over to let my auditory hallucinations play out.
The weed brownie was an 8x8 square, only about 1/4 inch thick. But had 30 joints worth of weed in it. I made a little mountain of marijuana to prepare and my buddy looked at it and asked: 'are you murdering someone tonight'?
Yes. Yes I am.
The brownie was cut into 30 pieces, but they were so small people didn't realize that they needed to have ONE. They were each like pinky sized squares. Kylo had one and was like, 'oh damn, those are good', and pop another one. And another, before I was able to smack his hand and say TOO MANY!
When Cousin finally did come to get him at 4 in the morning, she walked into a room of people with pupils like saucers.
Cousin has promised me she will plan my bachelor party, which I am still not sure whether will be a favour or for revenge.
Either way, I may not survive. Thoughts and prayers.
