Halloween has always been a bit of a spark of joy in my life.
Even when I was a lot younger, dressing up was something I really looked forward to and I put in a lot of effort to find unique and awesome costumes.
Looking back just at recent couple years, I've dressed up for more than just Halloween. There was the Elvis costume for my last birthday, Oktoberfest lederhosen, Red Foo/LMFAO, denim cowboy, bumble bee, the pirate, the blonde woman... The list goes on.
The year I was the blonde woman, I had lost some weight and was fake tanning to prepare for my 'role'. Cousin styled a blonde wig for me to go with my belly shirt, short skirt, and fishnet stockings.
The only thing I couldn't find to complete the outfit was shoes. It's difficult to find women's flats in size thirteen.
So I wore a pair of brown skateboard shoes I had from a previous costume.
I was very into the role, out on the dance floor shaking my ass like Beyonce. Flicking my blonde locks out of my face with the back of my hand.
At one point I tried using the woman's washroom, but my beard must have given me away, because they wouldn't let me in.
Apparently it was quite a convincing costume, though.
Especially to the guy who had a few drinks and got up the courage to come dance with me.
From behind.
He grabbed me, and I turned around to face him. I pointed at my beard and said, "Hi. I'm a dude."
The expression on his face was priceless. As he shit his pants, he took off running back to his group of friends, who were all laughing hysterically as he tried to explain. He mimed a penis and a beard and pointed furiously at me.
Girls kept coming up to me and grabbing my dick. I guess just to see if I really was a guy. Or, maybe because it was hanging out past the bottom of the skirt.
Neither would surprise me.
More recently, I decided to go as the king from '300', all dressed up in a cape and a Spartan helmet. I ordered the costume from online, which said the costume was 'one size fits all'. I guess not many guys who are 6'2" order from the site.
The cloth barely covered my junk, and if I lifted my arms it nearly came up to my belly button.
I was actually satisfied with this, and was just going to wear a pair of boxer briefs underneath.
But my voice of reason (aka Cousin) convinced me that an overlooked ball adjustment could leave one of the boys hanging out for everyone to see.
I told her that would make everyone's night more special.
I eventually conceded, and put on a pair of basketball shorts.
We met everyone in the garage of one of the girls who was coming out.
She was brand new to our group. Cousin had met her at work a couple weeks earlier, and she seemed pretty cool, so she invited her out with us.
I vaguely remember her mentioning something about recently being single again, and deciding that I was going to put my cock in and around her mouth.
After the first club, I was sufficiently buzzing and having another awesome night out.
We decided to bounce to another night club so Cousin could meet up with a guy, who wanted to take her home that night.
See? I'm a good wingman too.
She got a text from him as soon as we got inside and went looking for him.
Our new friend said she recognized some people, so we walked over and said hello. I'm still trying to piece together what happened next.
I remember meeting two guys and shaking their hands. I remember the music was so loud, I had to lean in a bit to hear what they were saying.
Somehow, one of them got behind me without me noticing and launched a solid right cross at my jaw just in front of my ear.
I felt the crack of my teeth, and the resulting bits of bone swimming around my mouth.
Because of the helmet I was wearing, he had attacked from a complete blind spot.
The impact spun me about ninety degrees.
My training kicked in immediately. Two things happened: I became instantly sober, and I became acutely aware of my heart beat and my limbs.
I took a deep breath to clear the stars from my sight, and realized that my helmet had also spun on my head, and was now completely blocking my sight.
Just as someone jumped on my back.
I dropped into a horse stance and grabbed that fucker by the back of the head, ready to flip him off my back and kneel on his throat.
But, it wasn't the guy who punched me who had jumped on my back. It was his friend.
I found this out in the next split second.
As another solid smash landed directly on my nose and mouth.
More teeth.
My helmet had flown off, and as I took a couple steps back, I saw the bouncers emerge upon the two assholes who had jumped me.
I spit my broken teeth out and shook my head at them.
I walked into the washroom with a ripped cape, no helmet, a missing sandal, and blood pouring from my mouth and nose.
When I got to the mirror, I assessed the damage.
My nose looked like it was already swelling, and my smile was destroyed. One tooth almost completely missing, cracked nearly at the root, and several of my front teeth had been shifted from their rightful position.
X-rays later showed that he had fractured my jaw in four places, broken my nose, and cracked 5 teeth. It took more than a year to get the resulting $18,000 of dental work done.
And even after a civil suit, the bastard got away without paying a dime in damages.
Turns out, the girl had introduced me to her ex boyfriend. And his buddy, who just happened to be a golden gloves boxer.
Whether or not it was on purpose was never totally clear. She seemed legitimately shocked that they'd jumped me, and did run to grab Cousin to help me out. But, she'd have to be pretty retarded to think that she could introduce me to the ex without any kind of repercussion.
I spent the majority of that night at the police station and in the hospital. Both which I drove to.
While going into shock.
Not the way I was planning to spend Halloween.
