Because Ruben and I were dangerous destructive forces when we drank together, there was a time when we started taking road trips to neighboring cities to go out.
Yes, it was getting to the point where some girls would see one of us coming, and be like, "That's the guy who I punched last weekend, we need to GET THE FUCK OUT!"
I'd just laugh at them and say, "You pussy, I don't even remember you. I was going to talk to your hot friend, anyway. I'd probably be nice to her."
I'd get a smack on the arm, and smile. "Besides, I was drinking Absinthe last time. Absinthe brings out my inner asshole. Tonight I'm sticking to rum. Rum makes me happy. What's your name?"
I can be charming. I choose not to be most of the time.
We both felt like we needed some fresh faces to make angry. So, the road trips began.
My brother was going to university just a few hours away, so we usually ended up heading that direction. University girls are always good targets, and there's this attitude of "I'm in university, so I'm clearly better than you" that I just LOVE tearing to shreds.
One time we went up, Ruben and I cracked open some road beers just as our driver, Doc, got pulled over for speeding.
Before we'd left city limits.
We both nonchalantly put our beer beside our feet, and sat quietly while Doc accepted the speeding ticket. I could tell he was nervous. As we started to drive away, Doc started to freak out as us a little. "Holy shit, you guys, if he'd seen either one of your drinks I would be FUCKED!"
We were maybe 100 yards away from the cop car and Ruben picked his can back up and took another long sip. "Chill, man."
He's always been a man of few words.
On this particular trip, Ruben started talking about work. I tried to change the subject a few times, because I know the end-game on nights when work becomes the primary topic.
Angry Ruben.
We got kicked out of three night clubs, a strip club, and a Denny's.
Angry Ruben is more dangerous than Drunk Ruben. And has issues with authority figures. Bouncers included. And, since he's a rugby player, and is built like a brick shit house, also isn't concerned or even a little bothered by the possibility of a physical altercation.
We ended up at the Denny's without a single pull. It's hard to focus on getting girls to bounce with you when you're trying to stop a bag of muscles from making cottage cheese out of a bouncer's face.
And Doc was pretty much useless. He'd tell a girl he was a doctor, and she'd be genuinely interested. But he had no game beyond that, so no conversation of his lasted more than a couple minutes
I had somehow managed to get obliterated, though. And when I saw two girls sitting by themselves at the restaurant, I simply sat down with them. Ruben and Doc shrugged their shoulders and sat down, too.
Doc said nothing. Ruben just flashed a grin every time they looked at him. But not a normal grin. The kind of grin that shows all your back teeth, and kind of forms your lips into a rectangle. Attractive.
I did ALL the work.
Which is how they ended up in the hotel room with us.
You're welcome, you fucking bastards.
I was too drunk to get it up, so I made out with both girls, and handed them off to Doc. Then grabbed another six pack of beer and said, "I'll be in the hot tub. Have fun fucking."
A few road trips later, and the bouncers at the strip club knew us by name.
Of course, we were usually the only guys there who could get every stripper not on stage sitting on our laps. So. We kind of stood out a little.
My brother's friends started to hear about us, and we decided to do a full fledged party with all his buddies from school, including a group of gay guys from the theatre classes. They invited their hot friends to impress us. I saw easy targets.
I didn't pay for a drink all night. The girls took turns buying me shots they thought would do me in, not realizing that I was probably the most seasoned party drinker they'd ever met.
I dragged one of the girls to the dance floor. Tight bodied blonde girl with a blurry face.
It took me a second to realize I was too drunk to focus.
Whatever.
I turned her around and shoved her ass against my crotch, and felt my way to the truth. As I went, I checked off the list in my head, "Tight ass, flat stomach. Decent tits, but the bra is in the way to tell for sure. I'll just go under."
I didn't realize that I was flashing her tits to the whole crowd in order to get a good feel. Nor would I have cared. "Nice. I bet she's shaved, too."
I went down her pants and started fingering her on the dance floor. "Shaved, and not wearing panties. Very nice."
She got her gay friend to dance with us, to provide a visual shield so I could continue my shenanigans uninterrupted. I made out with her neck and collar bone, and fingered her to orgasm right there on the dance floor.
I pulled away from her and turned her around to face me, licked my fingers and said, "That was fun, let's do shots."
I turned around to see my brother with his jaw hanging open like he'd just seen a naked woman for the first time.
The blonde wrapped her arms around me from behind and started feeling up my chest. I said something like, "Hey now, shots first," and broke away. Put my arm across the shoulder of my still-in-shock brother and walked to the bar with him. More shots were had.
We all ended up at the Denny's, where I found Ruben sitting amongst the theatre gays. He saw me and said, "THERE YOU ARE! Dude, I lost my phone, and I thought these guys were going to rape me."
We ordered food.
Ruben's meal never showed up. Could have possibly been since he relentlessly mocked our waitress, and she was ignoring him on purpose.
We were all done eating, and his still hadn't arrived. He banged his fists on the table, and spilt my Sprite.
Almost on queue, a guy sitting alone two tables over got up to use the restroom.
Ruben seized the moment and walked over. Ate the REST of the food on the guy's plate, and returned to our table.
Our server came by, and he grabbed her arm. "I still want my food, but I'm not paying for it. It's been over an hour."
The lonely man returned to find his empty plate, which had previously been mostly full. The look on his face was priceless. We all laughed, and the server thought we were laughing at her. All embarrassed, she said, "I have to ask my manager," and fled.
The next day, I got a phone call from Ruben's phone while taking a shit. I answered anyway, and the bouncer on the other end arranged to come drop off the phone.
I returned to the diner table where Ruben was sitting and told him the good news.
He leapt from his chair and clipped the girl sitting next to him in the shoulder. Unphased/giving not a fuck, he yelled, "That's UNBELIEVABLE!!"
We all went home happy.
