Shake your stuff
Regardless of how far away it is, I always make an effort to make it to friends' birthday parties. Ruben lives a couple hours away, now; still went to his birthday party. And brought the fucking party.
It was actually at Agent's birthday party that I met a cute blonde. I grabbed her number and we went out for drinks. Where she invited me to HER birthday party.
It's all about networking.
I had kind of decided that I wasn't really into her that much. She's a pageant girl. And pageant girls, even though they're usually pretty hot, always come with a weird personality. I'm not sure if it's because being in pageants has royally fucked with their heads, or if they were fucked up to be the type of person to get into pageants.
So, my main goal in going to her party was to network more.
I threw on my 'Cocky Motherfucker' shirt, and picked up a skull of crystal head vodka for the birthday girl, and a two-six of rum for me.
I gave up on networking.
Shortly after I gave her mom a lap dance.
And just before I sent her best friend a cock pic.
Jagermeister after party
A couple summers ago, Ruben and I went to the beer gardens of a local festival. As usual, we got hammered. But still managed to get the numbers of the jager girls, and plans to hang out in their hotel room.
We met them in their hotel lobby around 3am. I grabbed one and threw her on my back. "I'll give you a piggy back ride to the elevator, then you have to carry me to your room."
She ran her hands across my shoulders and said, "Oooooooo, nice." Win.
We made out in the room for about seventy three seconds.
Just enough time for one of the other girls to tap me on the shoulder.
"Threesome?" I asked.
"Uhm, your friend crawled into bed with our boss. Who is very sober. And skyping her boss. She wants him to leave..."
Three words entered my head followed by one follow up.
Bros before hoes.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I looked at the blonde wrapped around me.
I looked at the brunette who'd interrupted.
"Alright, I'll take him home."
Two more vaginas I'll never get another chance to destroy.
On our way down the hallway, Ruben found someone's discarded room service, and dug in. We continued on after he grabbed his last handful 'to go', just as the room occupant opened the door and very rudely yelled at us.
And I drove him home.
In hindsight, I should have put him in a cab.
Maybe not, actually. The last time I did that, he got the cab to take him to his place, realized his keys were at his friends place, CALLED 9-1-1, and got a squad car to take him.
Like a taxi.
Gets his keys, then, still clearly fucked, unlocks the truck door in front of the cop, fully intending to drive.
Pauses, looks at the cop and says, "Unless you want to..."
The cop put him back in the squad car and DROVE HIM HOME!!! Anyone else would've been in jail. Ruben just knows how to talk to people. It's insane.
Just another night out with Ruben.
Friendly neighbors
Every time I hooked up with one particular fuck buddy, we always went to her place. I'm not exactly sure why, her whole apartment building is wood framed, and you can hear EVERYTHING going on in the neighbors apartments.
Never stopped her from making a lot of noise. This girl knew how to vocalize her thoughts.
We'd hooked up probably every weekend for about a month, and all her neighbors knew my name. I never met any of them.
One night after we'd been out at a club, we got back to her place and started going at each other full animal mode, as usual when we were drunk.
I was just in a weird mood or something, because after a couple rounds, realizing it was 4:30am, and that all the neighbors had probably been woken up by us (again), I yelled, "HELLO NEIGHBORS!"
A loud knock came from the other side of her bedroom wall, followed by, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, [STEVE]!"
