A friend of mine recently took a road trip to come visit me.
We've kind of started a tradition of going to horror movies. And taking a bottle of rum.
It makes them so much more fun to watch, and the drunk sex afterwards is always crazy.
Yah, I'm that guy laughing at the screen when the creepy fetus-looking motherfucker slowly crawls back into the definitely-not-kosher box.
She got to my place wearing a trench coat.
My first thought was, "WTF?"
It was scorching heat.
My second thought was, "Oh, fuck. Yes."
She undid the jacket and tossed it.
Lingerie. Fucking hot lingerie.
So, supper can wait a couple hours.
We started drinking immediately after.
By the end of the movie, we were both smashed. And thanks to her remote control vibrator, she was ready to pounce.
We waited until everyone was out of the theater and she jumped on top of me. And again as soon as we got in the car.
But, the rum continued to flow into my veins, and by the time we got into my bed, I experienced something for the first time.
Whiskey dick.
I went down on her until my tongue was sore.
Nothing. Nadda.
And my head was spinning from the alcohol.
I gave into my flaccid fate, and laid down.
I couldn't close my eyes. I got that thing where you have to stare at one spot or everything goes yuck. I decided to hop in the shower to sober up a bit, and ended up doing the same thing. I was staring at the tub spout for a good half hour before I finally felt well enough to close my eyes. I crawled back into bed and passed out.
In retrospect, I should have seen what was coming for me the next day. I experienced, let's say, a moderate amount of gastric distress.
The plan was to spend all day fucking the next day before she went home.
Stomach issues, and fucking, don't go so well together.
It's hard to remain erect when you're focused on trying not to shit yourself.
I was useless the whole day.
The rum had destroyed my insides and performed essentially the same function on my intestines as Draino does to the kitchen pipes.
What's worse is that it was the first time I'd shit around this particular friend. So, I was very conscious about making any noise. I tried all kinds of positions to try to have a silent shit. I flushed a couple times before standing up, every time. And, it's one of those toilets where the water level is maybe four inches deep, so I had to scrub the shit streaks off the back of the bowl.
I'd already shit my way into one man's nightmares, I didn't need to permanently damage another person's mental health with my anus shenanigans.
Sure, she'd heard stories about my I.B.S, but with her I'd always managed to get home - or at least a gas station.
On this day, not only was it the first time I shit near her, it was also the sixth.
I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that's close to a record for me.
