After my first year of university, I found myself without money.
And, even though my relationship with my parents was pretty tense, I decided to move home so I could pay down some debts and get ahead a bit.
Living at home wasn't great. I'd stopped following the rules when I was twelve. I had been pretty good at hiding that fact from my parents for a very long time. But, I was started to get to the point where I didn't give a fuck anymore, and stopped fearing the consequences.
I was getting caught more often, and for worse and worse things.
Finally, a call from the cops sent my parents over the edge.
No money = no car. So, I was constantly borrowing one of theirs.
No money = no hotel room for sexy time. So, I was constantly having sex in one of their cars.
I'm fairly certain that at one point, I'd banged someone in the back seat of every one of their vehicles:
The minivan.
The 'kids' car (an old sports car).
Dad's car.
Mom's car.
And, my brother's car (yah, he got his own... fucker).
I was in the minivan with this girl, out in a field. Apparently, the old factory within line of sight was 'worried that we were terrorists', and called the cops.
Stupid people.
To be fair, it was a fertilizer chemical plant. Like, the kind of chemicals that blew up a building in Oklahoma. And, I'd been parked there every night for three weeks.
My extra sensory hearing picked up the sirens from a distance, and I told her that we should get dressed and start moving.
We half-ass threw our clothes on, and started driving away, just as the cops pulled around the corner with their lights on. They pulled a u-turn so fast I was surprised they didn't flip the van.
I pulled over, and said, "I'll do the talking, relax."
But, as soon as I rolled down the window, this girl blurts, "We were just talking, I had a really bad day!"
The cop looked at my unzipped pants, and saw the panties clinging to the head rest of one of the back seats.
He gave me an unimpressed look.
"You guys shouldn't be out here. You're scaring the businesses."
When you are not the owner of a vehicle, and you get caught having sex in it... the cops call the owner of the vehicle.
So, when I got home my mom was sitting in the kitchen staring at the door. With her arms folded. With that look on her face.
The one she gets when she's caught me for something, and wants to rub it in my face. Why do parents even have that look?
So, the ultimatum. 'Obey the rules, or find your own place to live'.
My dad put a contract in front of me. It was titled 'The Rules I Promise to Live By'.
It included:
- Wake up at 7:00 am every morning
- Make my bed every day
- Be home by 11:00 every night
- Go to church on Sunday
- No alcohol
- No drugs
- No intercourse (yes, it said 'intercourse')
- No girls in my room with the door closed
- Maintain a driving log: times, dates, and locations
I moved out five days later.
And, I still don't make my bed every day.
